Day 15 Mascara Warning

Most of the emails, FB messages, texts and visitors ask me how my family are coping. It is always a hard one for me to evaluate as I see the image they are giving to me and visa versa. So on that basis we are all doing very well.

However, as we all know that could not possibly be the case all the time. When I first knew I had a tumour, before I had any idea of what we were dealing with, my biggest fears were that it might be something to do with the pancreas like my father and so within a day my biggest fears were allayed, as we found out that it was not connected to any of the vital organs and a week later that it was treatable. When Rowena had been diagnosed we were never given such reassurances so Mark and I were quite upbeat, considering.

The children reacted to this news in very different ways, no one could possibly be happy, but I would say they reacted as we would expect. Isabelle kind and emotional, Tessa organised, rational and compartmentalised, Rowena empathetic, pragmatic and has seen it before. Isabelle is my most emotional and it hits her visibly hardest, but I think they all felt the same – she just shows it more. Tessa coped well with the news initially and was able to be with Isabelle, however both the two oldest have benefitted from time off work to go home and cry when needed or back to Inholmes to see me. Rowena was really ok initially but a few drinks at a party and sympathy with friends meant she could let go, as she could see me and Mark and it is easier for her. Once Isabelle and Tessa came home for the weekend and could see my reaction they both felt easier. I have been so grateful that both the older two have boyfriends who look after them have been giving my girls the shoulder they badly need to cry on. Philip (Isabelle’s boyfriend) whose parents have also been through much the same. All three girls, like me, have such great networks of friends and it is in times like these we really appreciate their support.

Mark, it is harder for me to say, as it is not only the emotional reality of the fact that I am ill, but will get better, but the toughness of the day to day reality of me not being there doing my job. It is busy, and I keep on hearing stories although we have meals, they are running out of loo rolls, and it is not just a question of having meals laid on so beautifully by Carol and Rosie and my mother-in-law but a few veg which need to be bought for and thought about and prepared. I don’t think either Mark or Rowena have ever used Tesco online and don’t think of things in advance. Thank goodness that Tessa and Isabelle have been able to be at home at weekends to cook and generally help out with the dog walks and be company. It all needs thought before hand which is stressful for us all, but this goes on top of a new role at work and they are needing him and he also wants to be with me in my hour of need and wants to see me each day. Poor Mark has no spare moments. All of this has been helped with a couple of good wins by Brighton & Hove Albion to lift the spirits and give much needed time off. So although he is alright in someways, I am sure his blood pressure has rocketed with the stress! I can’t say it has been easy for us both, the uncertainty, and having diagnosis and definitive plans will make things better. But this last week has shown all can change so quickly.

As for me, I am having a good little cry to myself from time to time, sometimes with the reality of the future if I have this feeding system in place, sometimes with the worry of what is happening to my nearest and dearest. Also a good little cry with Mark or who ever happens to be here at the time. Tears have also been with frustration and with joy.

When we were facing our darkest hours with Rowena I used to find myself despairing and crying and then felt in this bad time it would be a shame to spend every hour sad and not look back on happy times. So since then I have tried to live my life seeing the best in life, looking positively forward and trying to enjoy the situation even if it is bleak. The night before I went into hospital it was Tessa’s birthday and we all went out for dinner, it was one of the happiest evenings with laughter, good food, drinks and family. There will be many more.